Dear Dad,

This is my letter to you.  You will probably never see this but thats okay.  I just need to clear the air with you.

You were never around and you really still are not.  Your mother even made sure you didn't pay child support.  Your family just watched as you disappeared to play daddy with your other two little girls.  They watched me be fatherless.  Thats okay for you.  Its okay you didn't raise me.  You wasn't there for me.  You didn't know my date of birth or my favorite color.  You wasn't there when the first boy broke my heart.  You don't know how I tend to fall for guys who act just like you.  All you seem to care about is that I haven't been calling you.  When you completely stopped making an effect too.  You are able to kiss your little girls on the forehead at night.  But for years made me feel like nothing.  You didn't say I was but you didn't have to.  The fact you were never around did that.  For years I have felt like I was a problem.  That maybe something was wrong with me for you not being around.  To this day I still feel that way.  I still feel like I'm a problem.  You ran off and didn't want to raise me.  *sighs*

Maybe one day you will actually act like my father.  

I sit by and watch everyone else living.  I pretend in my mind how I would be if my life was going better.  If I was social.  If I had friends.  I imagine a lot.  I feel slow.  Like how did I get this way.  No friends.  The only people who want to be my friend are guys who wanna sleep with me.

I feel like everyone is just off living these great lives and I'm alone.  Like I'm failing.  I'm watching everyone be social and I'm a fail.  When I try to make friends or talk to people who doesn't work.  Which makes me feel like a loser.  I can't do anything right.  I just feel so stupid.  Today was going so well....no I'm just horribly sad.

I'm cursed.  I'm just supposed to be alone. 

This is one of those moments where I feel like a failure.  But I don't think anyone understands it.  So...I'll just type it here.  I guess it all started cause I wanted to make female friends.  And I just couldn't.  I even joined sites and I wasn't able to find a friend.  That sounds kind of sad.  Makes me feel like a weirdo.  Like I can't make not even one friend.  So..I got a job instead.  And then school started.  But its not enough.  Its like I'm craving something more and yet I can't get it.  I remember having all these so called female friends and now...I'm alone.

Now I feel like a failure.  I'm gonna start taking those happy pills.  Cause Something is really wrong.  Something isn't right anymore.  I'm always thinking it would be better if I wasn't here.  If I just would disappear.  I think about ways I can do that.  I know that isn't good.  I know the path that can lead down.  I used to cut myself years ago.  So..I can't go back down that road.  But its always on my mind.  So today was day one.  Hopefully in a about a two weeks..I will feel different.

The Great Depression of 2014

Oct. 27, 2014

I have been officially diagnosed with depression.  Its weird.  I feel crazy.  And I kind of wish I didn't know.  I mean..sure its great getting help but apart of me is ashamed.  It makes me feel weak.  Like I can't handle life.  But at this moment I feel like I'm drowning.  I can feel the water rush over my head and I can't breathe.  I get so anxious.  I'm frustrated.  My mood goes up and down.  My "happy" feels like a drug high.

Idk how to tell my mom.  I don't want her to feel bad about it.  I don't want her to feel like she helped stress me out to this point.

So...I feel unwanted. I feel a lot of things.  My thoughts are unclear.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know who I am.  My world is just stressful now.  Idk what to do.  :/

And let me not mention...how I lose interest in everything and one now.  Its like I can't help it.  I just lose interest and wanna just not talk to the person anymore.  Its like I'm over it before it starts.  Doesn't make sense.

Now I work too.  I hate my job tho.  Love my coworkers.  Still dealing with school too. Ugh.  I have no friends.  Well...none close by anymore.  I ruined those friendships.  I feel alone cause I am alone.  Hopefully the pills the doctor gave me helps.